


A Prisoner of Consciousness

by inai023



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abduction, Alleyway, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Armin is a sweet boy why did I do this to him, Attempted Murder, Bus, Complicated Relationships, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Embarassment, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, First Dates, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, House Party, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Love, M/M, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Mother Complex, Night, Panic Attacks, Partying, Police, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protection, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Saviour, School memories, Trauma, Traumatic Experience, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-06-25 08:54:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15637386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inai023/pseuds/inai023
Summary: "Our thoughts are often our worst enemy. They lock us away and hide the key in unforeseen places, holding our hopes and dreams, true emotions, and our lives captive in prisons made of glass. Like we can look out and see life passing us by, but are never able to join in. When hard times hit us, we need something to keep us grounded. Something to tie us down and make sure we don't fly away with the slightest blow of the wind. That will always be Eren for me."After Armin faces the worst moments of his life, who will be there to comfort him? How will he move on? And, most importantly, how is he supposed to not fall in love with his saviour?





	1. Again

_Oh no._ I think.  _No, no, no._

"Eren, Mikasa, stop. I can't do this." I say, trying to make it sound more like a plead than a whine. The last thing I want is to sound like a child.

"Armin, we've told you a thousand times; you're going to be  _fine._ " Says Eren, I can hear the edge of annoyance in his voice -- perhaps that's why he hasn't looked at me since we got off the bus.

I feel a soft hand on my shoulder. Mikasa. "It's okay, Armin. There's nothing to worry about." Her voice is smooth and cool, like silk, without the slightest hint of a nerve in it.

"Mikasa, I really don't want to go in. What if something bad happens? What If I lose you two and I'm all on my own?" Mine sounds like someone dragged a chainsaw through my vocal chords, juxtaposing that of my best friend, whose voice is about as warm as the blood pounding in my ears.

"As Eren says; you're going to be fine." She sighs, her hand sliding gracefully off of my shoulder, her face nuzzling gently in the scarf Eren bought her for her first birthday, living in his home. She paces in front of me, catching up to Eren, I assume she needs to talk to him about something, leaving me about 5 paces behind them to sigh and swim around in my thoughts.

I play with the hem of my shirt, not really knowing what to do with my hands. I feel over-dressed. Even though I'm only in a white collared shirt and blue jeans, my knitted jumper hanging loosely over my upper body, barely covering my oversized shirt. My shoes are what are making me feel stupid. Why did I think it was a good idea to wear dress shoes with this!? I cringe and silently face-palm, before slowly looking up at my two friends, through the gaps in my fingers, to assess their outfits as well.

Eren, looking as casual as ever, in is a black zip-up hoodie and black skinny jeans with rips at the knees, and complete black Vans (which I envy heavily), contrasted by a white t-shirt which says "LIVE" in bold black letters across the chest.  _He looks like a wannabe emo, who's really just a huge hipster._ I think to myself, rolling my eyes. Though, on a second glance noticing how his clothes fit so well on him, the casual posture he has while walking (hands in pockets, relaxed shoulders, lots of neck exposed as he rolls his head to look over at Mikasa while talking) and how his messy brown hair never fails to compliment his outfit, or his eyes.  _How is he so—_

 _Armin, stop it._  I think, shaking my head as if to rid myself of ridiculous thoughts.

I look over to Mikasa, her long black hair flowing over her back. I remember the time that Eren told her that her hair was getting too long and she should cut it, and how hard she punched him while reminding him that her mother thought her hair was beautiful so she'd never cut it. She's wearing a short black dress, with thick black tights and brown boots, topped with a cardigan that hangs at her knees. Oh, and of course her signature scarf.

 _—"It's so unfair."_ I would hear girls around campus say.  _" How come everything she wears suits her?"_

_"Yeah–! How can some be so pretty **and** smart  **and**  athletic!"_

_"I wish I were like her..."_

And they're all right too. Mikasa is amazing. They both are. My friends. My  _best_  friends.  _They're both so incredible, yet all I'm good for is reading books... and complaining._ I think.

I stop playing with my shirt and shove my hands in my pockets, looking in puddles as I pass them, seeing reflections of the dark night with pin-pricked stars refracting in the atmosphere, some of which dimmed by the translucent layer of cloud which is forming. Occasionally, the white fluorescent light of a street lamp would flash on the ground, flickering violently as it ran out of charge. The more I walk, the more the knot in my stomach tightens.

This road is going on for _ever_.

Suddenly, we turn a corner and my intestines instantly feeling like they're trying to fall out of me.

There it is. There's the house. Bright lights in the windows. I can hear the music from here. The small talk. The eye contact. Oh God, what will I say? Who will be there? Will they start the conversation? Should I? What if my bullies are there? Will they make fun of my shoes? Do I have time to go back and change? I knew I should have worn something different. Arghh!My head is spinning!

I feel like I'm drowning in thoughts. I feel dizzy. I pause for a moment on the street corner to try to collect myself. I really don't want to puke right here. But I might.

_Okay, Armin, listen to me; Jean was nice enough to invite you. It's only a party. Just a house party. Nothing bad will happen if you just stay calm. Look at Eren and Mikasa—_

I look at Eren and Mikasa, now about 10 paces ahead of me.

_They're not afraid so neither should you be. Only people from freshman year will be there, so don't worry. It'll all be over soon._

So, I try to swallow my fear. Or more like swallow my heart, which has somehow found its way into my throat, to put it back where it should be.

I jog up to Eren and Mikasa. They both glance at me but they don't say anything. No one says anything. Which kind of makes me glad because if I open my mouth to speak vomit might come out. Either that or a long list of why I think this is a bad idea. Probably the latter.

Before I know it we're walking up the path to the front door. My hands are sweating like crazy, my breathing is uneven and sporadic. I feel like there's no blood going to my brain. I can't see.

As we reach the door, Mikasa turns and smiles at me. She stops Eren from knocking on the door and takes both of my hands in hers.

"Armin. Please try no to worry. We won't leave you, we promise. We know you're nervous, but please, promise to try and have some fun with us?" She has an expression half way between a smile and genuine sympathy on her face. I look over at Eren who gives me a half smile and a nod, as he see's my expression. I'm not even sure how I look right now but I'm guessing I don't look good, because Eren only looks at me like that when they save me from bullies.

I gulp and reluctantly say, "Okay, I will try to have fun."

"Promise?" Asks Mikasa with big puppy eyes.

I sigh. "Promise..."

Mikasa hugs me as Eren knocks on the door and rings the doorbell (I'm guessing to make sure people hear it). A few moments later, Marco opens the door wearing a burgundy long-sleeved shirt with black skinny jeans.

"Yo, guys! Come in, come in!" he motions for us to come in, so we do, saying 'hey' to him as we pass him. I think it's a little weird that Marco's the one letting people into Jean's house but it's none of my business. They've always been very close, and I guess they live together now.

"Hey, Marco, where's Jean?" Asks Mikasa, looking down the hall at the different people that were loitering, some of them slightly bouncing to the music that was playing in the background. Dubstep. The kind of stuff Eren listens to.

"Umm... I dunno. I think he's in the kitchen? Haha, last time I saw him he was talking to Annie out there." Replies Marco, his breath smells slightly sour and he has an airiness about his voice which usually comes hand and hand with alcohol.

 _Alcohol!?_ My head shouts.  _No one said there would be alcohol! We're underage! What if are parents, or the police find out?!_

_—..._

_Armin, remember what you promised Mikasa? About having fun?_ I sigh again. Luckily no one noticed or I may have been scolded for being such a 'wet weekend'.

_Okay, fun! This is fun... This is what young adults do... I'm having fun... Everyone drinks in college._

"Oh, okay, thanks. Well, I need to talk to him about something.." Mikasa, says, "See you later, Marco." All three of us wave as we pass him and walk down the dimly lit hall, towards the kitchen. We pass the living room as we walk, there are about 7 people in there, holding beer bottles and tipsy smiles which make my stomach churn with anxiety.

"Eren!" says someone from inside the room. A short-haired (short in general) guy emerges from some people that are hanging about talking in front of the door, none of which I recognise. He's waving frantically, but it takes me a moment to realise who it is; Connie.

"Hey, Eren! I didn't know you guys were coming! How are you? I haven't seen you in ages!"

Ah, yes, Connie. Our friend from our class in high school. Last year. Despite him being 9/10 clueless most of the time, he's a very nice guy. But also because of that fact he ended up in a different area of campus to us when we all got into college. Along with Sasha. In all fairness, I miss them. I miss high school. I miss our clubs and our classroom. I miss having everyone so  _close_. I hate college.

"I know, right!" replies Eren enthusiastically, bro-hugging Connie. "I can't believes it's already been 3 months..."

Connie smiles at Eren and nods in agreement, before noticing Mikasa and I standing just to the left of Eren. He looks dumbfounded at Mikasa before stuttering out, "H-hi, Mikasa. You haven't changed a bit. It's nice to see you."

"Aww, it's nice to see you too Connie!" she says, smiling.

She then hugs him briefly, however, over their shoulders I see Eren. At first I think he's looking at me, but he's actually looking at them; a sharp side-glare, with the familiar flames of annoyance threatening to show in his expression.

I don't know why but that look... that look sends a pang of jealousy through my heart and into my veins, causing me to look away from the situation. I know it's probably just his love for (practically) his sister, and it's not like he's never looked at her like that before...

So why does it hurt?

I only look back up as I feel something hard hit my back, not too hard, but enough to knock a little of the air out of my lungs.

"Here he is!" says Connie, who is now stood beside me, slapping my back with one of his hands. "If it weren't for this guy, I'm not sure I would even be in the same school as you guys! Thanks, man."

Oh yeah, I helped Connie study for his entrance exams, didn't I?

"N-no, that's not true— I'm sure you could've gotten in on your own..."

They all laugh a little.

"Connie? Do you know where the drinks are?" Asks Eren. I ignore the lurch in my stomach.

"Oh, they're in the kitchen. You know, Jean did a really good job of putting this party together; I heard even some  _seniors_ are here."

"Really? Like who?"

"Like Levi, and Hanji? Remember them? Yeah, seeing them again would be weird."

"No way, Levi's here! Man, I've got find him at some point!" Says Eren, smiling widely. "Remember that club we all used to be in? The wall cleaning club?"

"Yes! The was incredible! I can't believe we actually joined that club. All because you wanted to meet Levi... and how he made everyone call him 'Captain'? Man... I miss that~"

Everyone nods.

"Anyway, catch you later, Connie. I'm gonna go find the drinks." Says Eren.

"Okay, see ya guys!" replies Connie slipping back into the living room.

We all walk down the hall and into the kitchen. Neither Jean nor Annie are anywhere to be seen. But there  _is_ alcohol. Lot of it. I see the lights in the back of Eren's eyes sparkle as he sees Jean's extensive collection, and I know what he's thinking:

_This guy can be an ass, but he's done well._

He walks immediately over to the table that has all the bottles on, grabs three bottles and hurries back over to Mikasa and I. He hands Mikasa a bottle and then hands me one while cracking his open on the edge of the kitchen counter.

"I-I, uh," I stutter, trying to think of how to say no without sounding annoying.

"You aren't gonna drink?" he says, raising an eyebrow.

I shake my head.

"Well, it's okay if you don't wanna get drunk, but at least have one. It's fun!— Social! And, it'll help you loosen up a bit."

"Nah..." I say, trying to sound nonchalant about it. And failing. I put the drink on the counter next to me. "But, maybe later."

I don't know why I said that last part but it made him smile so I won't regret it. "Oh and, um, you guys can go walk around if you want... I don't mind..."

They look at me, slightly shocked. "You're okay with that?" Eren asks.

"Y-yeah. I'll just stay here... I'll be okay, just promise you won't forget I'm here..." I'm not really saying this because I want to; I'm saying this because I know it's what they want/came here to do, and I don't want to be a hindrance.

"R-really?" asks Mikasa.

I sigh. "Yes. Please have fun."

"Wow, Armin, thanks! I'll come find you later, okay? Don't worry, you'll be fine." Says Eren, he's grinning now. He's looking right at me. The feeling of his eyes on  _me_ makes my face hot. He punches me in the arm, chuckling, and walks out into the garden to mingle and talk to people.

"Are you  _sure_  you're okay this this? You wont worry too much will you?"

"I think," I pause for a moment. "I'll be okay this time. I want you guys to have fun, and don't want to be a drawback. I won't repeat last time."

She smiles. "This is very brave of you. I'm so proud..." ( _She sounds so much like my mom..._ I think.) "...I'm just going to find Jean and then I'll be right back, okay? Stay right here, I won't be long."

"What do you need to talk to him about?"

"Nothing much... coursework stuff."

"Okay— come back soon, please."

"I promise." She smiles one more time before walking back through the house.

The kitchen is surprisingly empty compared to the rest of the house (the parts I've seen anyway). I decide I'm thirsty so I walk over to the table with the alcohol and grab a cup. I fill it with water. I'm about to have a sip when I think;  _perhaps Jeans parents have some juice or something._ Juice is fun, right?

I empty the cup and start to look in the cupboards, the fridge, everywhere in the kitchen, but no juice is to be found. So I settle for water. The cups are opaque so no one has to know I'm not drinking, right? Just as I'm filling up my cup again—

"Armin!" I turn around. It's Christa, holding a red cup like mine. "You're not drinking??"

"I-I, umm," oh no, what so I say? She'll think I'm weird if I say I'm scared, I could always say I don't wan—

"Me neither! Wow it's so nice to have someone else sober to talk to! Ymir's been drinking all evening, but she won't let me..."

"CHRIIIIIIISTA!"

_My ears..._

"Where are you?! I've been looking for you!!!" slurs Ymir, who's stumbling in from the adjacent dining room.

"Ymir I'm in here..." sighs Christa.

"There you are!! OH. aRmin. Hey! How are you? Are you drinking? I wont let my Christa drink! It's bad for your insides... I won't let  _anything_  happen to my Christa!!"

"I'm good, no, and I know! But why are you drinking if it's bad for you...?" I say, trying to sound relaxed and f...

I look up to see Ymir's lips forcefully on Christa's. Christa looking surprised and kind of frightened. She pushes Ymir off and hides behind me...

"Christa?? What's wro—" she starts, and then-

Black. Out.

"Oh my God!" I exclaim, rushing over to her. "...S-she's asleep..."

"Ugh," Christa sighs... "She always get's like this when she drinks..."

"W-what do we do? We can't just leave her on the floor."

"You're right... Can you help me get her upstairs?"

Honestly, I don't think I'm strong enough for that, but I nod anyway... Christa tells me to get her feet, and she'll take the arms. We pull Ymir up and start to slowly walk through the corridor, people looking concerned at us... mainly me... But Christa reassures them that she's passed out and we're just putting her to bed.

"Armin, are you okay?" Christa asks when we get on the stairs, where she doesn't have to look behind her to see where to go. "You look a little shaken..."

"I'm fine." I say, even though it's not true. I was actually thinking about how Ymir's ended up and that this could happen to Mikasa, or... Eren...

"Do you want to sit down?"

"N-no, I'm okay." I lie, again.

"You know, you shouldn't worry about stuff like this happening to people you care about."

"H-" I pause. "How did you—"

"Woah, what happened?! Armin, what happened, who is that?!" it's Connie, again. Looks like he just left the bathroom at the top of the stairs.

"Ymir passed out." Cuts in Christ.

"Wow, haha, I thought she was going a bit heavy..."

I nod, meekly, not really knowing what to say – well, what else is there  _to_  say? – Besides, my mind is still stuck between being worryied about Eren and Mikasa, and being confused about how Christa managed to read my mind.

"She always 'goes heavy' at parties." Says Christa, sounding disappointed.

"Do you need a hand?"

I decide to say something, as I haven't said anything in a while.

"N—"

"—Yeah, actually, can you help Armin? I think she's slipping..."

I glare at Christa, but she doesn't notice. I know she's just trying to be helpful but I kind of wanted to sound cool and strong, and ignore the fact that my forearms are burning.

"Sure." Agrees Connie.

Connie trots down stairs and takes one of Ymir's legs from me. The process instantly becomes about 10 times easier. We all work together to haul Ymir up the stairs, as she's surprisingly heavy, also at some point she started dribbling, so it's now all down her cheek and in her hair. Once we reach the top of the stairs Christa guides us to the spare room. I wonder how she knows where it is, so I make a mental note to ask her later. We place Ymir on the bed as gently as we can and take her shoes off. Briefly, I think,  _why is this room so empty? Shouldn't there be people, like, making out in here or whatever?_ But I brush it away quite quickly, as it kind of made me uncomfortable.

"Thanks, Connie." Says Christa with a smile. I nod again, what is it with the nodding?

"No problem. I, uh, have to go... now... Sasha's, uh, waiting for me..." He says, blushing a little and edging out of the door. "See you later..."

"Poor, Connie." Says Christa after she knows he's definitely out of earshot. "He's so sweet, but he doesn't half make things obvious."

I laugh at that. It's true: Connie is terrible at keeping secrets.

I look back over to Christa as she stands up and walks over to the bedside table and pulls a few tissues out of a box, she then walks over to Ymir and starts gently wiping the dribble off of her cheek. Her movements are so smooth, her facial expression is so soft, I can practically feel the love radiating from her...

"Christa...?" I say.  _Oh, God, am I actually about to ask this?_

"Yeah?"

"Are you... in love with Ymir...?"

She pauses for a moment. "Yes. I think so."

I breathe in sharply. "How did you know?"  _Don't ask questions._

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, did you work it out on your own, or, like, did something just click, or did someone have to say something for you to understand how you feel?"  _Why won't I stop talking?_

"I'm not sure... I knew I definitely liked her, from the moment we met... until one day she told me how she felt about me... I didn't know what to do, so I ran away from her... but she didn't give up. And the more I thought about it, I really did feel the same way." She's smiling, now. "So, I guess, a bit of both..."

"So, she knows?"

"Yes, she knows. But we don't want to be anything more that friends because, well, we don't want to ruin what we already have... Though, sometimes I think she does actually want a little more... Tonight being a prime example... I just don't think I'm ready for that."

"I see..."

"Why do you ask??"

"...I—"  _Okay this stops NOW. Armin, you're not going to let anyone know about your biggest secret._ "I was just curious..."

Christa's big blue eyes sparkle at me, in an all knowing way that makes my stomach drop about 10 feet. She stands up, then sits back down next to Ymir on the bed.

"Okay..."

—...

"Oh yeah, how did you know where the spare room was? Have you been here before?" I want to change the subject as quickly as possible.

"What do you mean, have I been here before? So have you!"

"... No I haven't."

"But you came to Jeans last party, a few months ago! I'm sure I saw you with Eren and Mika—"

Both of our eye's widen as we realise what she's said.

—...

_They... came to a party without me..._

_They didn't even tell me..._

_They forgot me again._

"Armin, I'm sure they didn't mean to not..." Christa trails off.

I shake my head and smile. "Nah, it's fine. I was probably sick or something and they didn't want me to worry."  _Lies. Lies. All lies._ I try to smile again but all my mind is stuck on is;  _how many girls could Eren have drunkenly kissed while I wasn't here?_

I guess that showed on my face because Christa scoots closer to me and says,

"I know how you feel..." I look at her blankly, seriously is she a mind reader? "I worry about things all the time too, and with what happened to you... I'm sure they just wanted to protect you..."

I nod and look at my hands in my lap.

"Armin... I hope you don't mind me asking, but how are you dealing with it...?"

"With what?" I know exactly what.

She looks at me like how I would look at myself right now.

I sigh. "Honestly? Not well..." I start to play with the hem of my shirt. "I-I'm finding anything to do with people difficult... Making friends, talking to people, going places... I can't help but worry about it all... What if I get lost? What if something goes wrong? What if  _everything_  goes wrong? It's constant... So, as a result of this, all I do at home is read because..." Should I really say this? "It feels like maybe I could slip away from this world... This life... Myself... It's like I could be some amazing, perfect hero that's never afraid and can do anything..."

"Armin, people like that don't exist."

"I know... But I wish I could be like that. Like someone else."

She smiles. "I wasn't finished. People like that don't exist because perfect doesn't exist. Everyone has flaws. That's a part of being alive. You can look at some people and be like, 'Wow, they're amazing, they can do everything!' but there will always be something that they  _can't_  do. Be that cooking, or abseiling, or... being able to fall in love. There is always something that someone can't do... My point is, that even if you do somehow manage to become someone else, your problems won't go away; they'll just be different."

"I know..."

We both sit in silence for a moment, I'm mainly just letting what she said sink in.

"...What do you worry about?" I ask.

"I worry about the future. I worry about the people I care about. I worry about what people think of me..."

"...And... What keeps you grounded?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when you feel like you're about to lose it, what keeps you grounded?"

"... I think about all my friends and my family... what about you?"

I pause,  _am I really doing this?_ "For the longest time I didn't know..."  _am I going to regret this later?_ "I thought that I wasn't ever going to stop being this way..."  _Will this ruin everything?_   "But the thing that keeps me okay is—"  _Is—_ " _Eren._  It'll always be Eren...

I think I love him."

My eyes widen as I realize what I've just said.

_I've said it. I've said it out loud._

I start to hyperventilate.

"Woah, woah, woah, Armin! Calm down it's fine – you're fine - don't worry!" Christa takes both of my shaking hands in one of hers, putting the other on my back.

"I... I..." I can't breathe. My heart isn't working right. My brain isn't working right. "Wh-what...if..."

"Huh, what was that? I couldn't hear you."

_What if he finds out?_

And that's it. I just start crying – actually sobbing would be a better description – and I can't stop. There's so much fear in me I feel like it's trying to leave me body through violent jolts. All the while, Christa is rubbing my back with a sympathetic look on her face.

It's takes about 20 minutes for the tears to stop streaming down my face, for the sobs to stop leaving my body, for the shaking to cease.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything??" Asks Christa, her voice is so soft and kind.

"No, I'm fine..." I reply, wiping my face on my sleeve.

"We both know that isn't true." She grabs my hand, pulling me to my feet before letting go. "Follow me."

"Where are we going?"

"To get you a drink, I think you need it."

"What about Ymir?"

"She'll be okay, we'll come back in a minute. There's no way I'd leave her alone like this for any longer. So, are you okay with a drink?"

"...Yeah, I think so... Um, will it take my mind of this?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

I don't know why I'm agreeing to this. I don't know a lot of things about myself. But if it stops me from thinking about what just happened, I'm up for it.

As we get to the stairs, I have to ask, "Christa, you won't tell anyone right? About what I said..."

She looks back at me, "Of course not! If you don't want me to say anything, then I don't want to say anything." she smiles and I'm grateful.

As we pass by the living room we both look quickly in the door and see Sasha and Connie –  _kissing_. We both look at each other, then back at them, then back at each other. Then we start laughing, properly laughing.

As we walk out in to the kitchen we are still laughing. I haven't felt this good in ages. Like a huge weight has been lifted from my—

"ARMIN!"

I look around, the smile fading from my face as I remember:

_"...I'm just going to find Jean and then I'll be right back, okay? Stay right here, I won't be long."_

_"What do you need to talk to him about?"_

_"Nothing much... coursework stuff."_

_"Okay— come back soon, please."_

Oh shit.

"Armin! Where were you?! I was so worried! I had to find Eren and now he's worried too, what the hell!" Shouts Mikasa, there are tears in her eyes. She was really worried.

"I-I-I'm sorry..." I stutter out.

"You're sorry?! Why didn't you answer your phone?! I've been texting and calling you..." She just sounds disappointed now, and that's what hurts... I upset Mikasa.

"I d-don't..." I pull my phone out of my pocket.

_You have (13) text messages from Mikasa_

_You have (4) missed calls from Eren._

_You have (3) missed calls from Mikasa._

It was on silent this whole time.

"Mikasa, please don't be mad at Armin, this is partly my fault." Says Christa, stepping in front of me. "Ymir passed out and Armin offered to help me take her upstairs, because I couldn't do it on my own. Then we both got caught up talking and... lost track of time..."

I nod.

"Okay..." Mikasa sighs, running her hand through her hair. "I'm sorry I snapped, I was just so worried about you... You promised me we would've have a repeat of last time and... I guess I just started to over think things."

"I didn't mean to make you worry..." I practically whisper, as if the shock of being yelled at took my voice away.

"Thank you, Christa, for being with him. I'd rather he was with you than on his own."

I feel like a child... I feel like I'm not here... I know Mikasa cares about me – if she didn't she wouldn't have been so mad – but sometimes I feel like she tries to mother me too much. I wouldn't say it, though.

"No problem." Says Christa. "I'll, uh, see you later, Armin."

She flashes me a smile before heading back in the direction on the stairs. She never got that drink.

Mikasa looks at me with an unreadable expression. "Come on, we'd better find Eren. I've never seen him so frantic."

That makes my cheeks turn pink. This is wrong. I should feel guilty for making him worry, but instead that guilt is replaced by a thrashing excitement that causes my heart to skip a pace at a time.

"Think he was asking around out here." She says as we walk from the kitchen in to the garden. It isn't long before we hear that familiar voice.

"Have you seen Armin anywhere? About this high, blonde hair?"

"No, sorry."

"Okay, thanks."

"Eren!" Calls Mikasa, as soon as he comes into view. She points behind her at me and steps out of the way.

I make eye contact with Eren, who looks shocked at first, then like he's about to cry. Before I know what's happening Eren is trapping me in his arms and squeezing me like I'm about to disappear.

"Armin, oh my God, I was so worried about you." His voice sounds groggy, like he's going to cry. "Please don't do that again."

I pause for a moment, barely able to hear what he's saying over the thumping of my own heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhhhhhhhh snk college au  
> I lowkey wrote this 2 years ago and found it in an old book, so lets polish this boy up and write summore!   
> Hope you like it >:) <3


	2. Return

_About A Year Ago..._

I remember it so well. Too well.

It was a reasonably warm night in September, and to celebrate the start of the new school year, our last year at high school, some of the old seniors from our school were holding a party for mainly our upperclassmen (college students) and people of our year too. I think their aim was to get us socialised, or something, in time for college but I have no idea. There were free drinks. That was all the convincing most people needed. One of them lived in a huge, mansion-like house, so they could afford to have so many people over. Eren, Mikasa and I were all invited, along with some other people from our class. It was my first party and I was very nervous, but also very excited.

Eren and I were sat on the floor of Mikasa's bedroom as she did her hair and makeup. I was playing with the hem of my dark grey, long-sleeved shirt, trying to calm my nerves.

"So, Armin, are you excited? This party is gonna be~ awesome!" said Eren, punching the air with his fists and grinning at me.

"Yeah, I'm actually pretty excited." I scratched the back of my head and laughed a little at him.

"Heh heh," Eren's faces quickly shifted from a grin to a mischievous smirk. "Armin... How about we play a little game at the party?"

"...Game? What are we, 10?" I shook my head at him and rolled my eyes.

"No, no, my friend – this game shall be a little different to other games... Well, less of a game, more of a completion."

I sighed. "Okay, go on."

"Whoever can kiss the most girls at this party, wins."

"...Umm..." I wasn't really sure what to say... Is that what people did at parties? I wasn't sure I wanted to.

"Well, what do you say?"

"I—"

"Absolutely not." Cut in Mikasa, who'd just left her en suite bathroom with freshly applied makeup. "I'm not having you two going around kissing people for a game. It's embarrassing." She leaned down and looked Eren in the eyes. " _And_ insensitive."

Eren sighed, flopping back and laying on the carpet.

"Fiiiiiiine."

I silently felt relived, as I'm not sure I want to go through with his idea. Then, suddenly, Eren sat up and threw one of his arms over my shoulders, exclaiming, "But, Mikasa, I'm doing this for Armin! This could be his chance to finally have his first kiss!"

"No." she replied, flatly. "It's not Armin I'm worried about, it's you. You're so dumb you'd probably end up kissing some guys girlfriend and being beaten up." She punched him in the arm. "Then who would have to save you? Me."

Eren stuck his tongue out like a child and said, "Ugh, Mikasa, you're literally so boring. Don't worry, Armin, you'll kiss somebody soon."

I laughed at that; it was always funny when Eren acted childish.

"What are you laughing at?" Said Mikasa, punching me as well, causing both Eren and herself to start laughing.

We all laughed for a few moments, before Eren asked, "Mikasaaaaa, are you almost ready?"

"Almost."

"What else do you need to do?"

"I just need to brush my hair and then I'm ready."

"I swear you've brushed your hair, like, 55 times already? Sounds fishy."

"Shut up."

Once Mikasa had brushed her hair for the 56th time, we all went downstairs and put our shoes on. I was wearing dark red Converse, along with some blue skinny jeans and my favourite grey long sleeved t-shirt. I had brought a big army green coat with me but it was so warm out, I didn't think I'd need it. Eren was wearing dark blue vans to match his blue, hooded sweatshirt with black skinny jeans. Mikasa was in a black sparkly dress top with dark blue jeans and black ballet pumps. Her make-up was subtle and only enhanced her natural beauty. She looked incredible.

From Eren and Mikasa's house to the bus stop was constant chatter between the three of us. Luckily we made it just as a bus was pulling in, but once we actually got on the bus there weren't enough seats for the three of us to sit together, there were a pair of seats together near the back of the bus and 1 free nearer the front of the bus. Eren and Mikasa had already sat in the pair of seats so I decided to just sit at the front. I ended up sitting next to a businessman who was typing away angrily on his official-looking laptop. Though I wished I were sat with my friends, sitting near the front did help with my travel sickness, and it's not like I didn't know when we were getting off so I didn't see a problem. Besides sometimes sitting on my own was fun; it gave my time to think and I found it kind of exciting to sit next to complete strangers, as I could make up a backstory for them and once they got off the bus or train, I would never see them again.

For example; the guy sat next to me was actually a raging drug addict, and he was frantically emailing a dealer who just ripped him off (do drug dealers email each other?). Or the woman sat across from me, she was actually on her way to an audition for the part of a Swedish fishmonger in a low budget play. The possibilities were endless. As I looked around to find more targets for my game, I noticed there was a strange man standing near the door staring at me, but I tried not to pay him any attention.

After about 2 stops I gave up with that game and started to think about the party that was only 3 stops away. Who would be there? What does alcohol taste like? Who should I talk to? These thoughts were creating butterflies in my stomach. I was so nervous and excited, I could barely sit still, and it didn't help that I had no one to talk to. The bus seemed to be getting fuller by the second.

2 stops to go.

The drug addict/businessman got up and had to awkwardly shuffle past me to get off the bus. Almost immediately another man took the seat.  _It's a busy bus._ I thought.  _This guy obviously just saw his chance and took it._ However, I was trying to ignore the fact the this was the same guy who had been staring at me for about 10 minutes now.

I didn't like the fact that I could hear his breath next to me, so I turned around, looking through the gaps in the people who were standing up to try to see Eren and Mikasa. They were chatting gleefully a good 6 or 7 rows behind me and on the other side of the bus, so talking to them wasn't an option. I considered getting up and letting someone else have my seat so I could stand next to them instead.  _No,_ I thought.  _It's only one more stop, Armin, stop whining and just wait it out._

I didn't want to look at this guy so I used the reflection in my phone screen to look at him; he was a younger man, probably nearing 30, he had thinning, brown hair and big dark bags under his eyes. He kept glancing at me and slowly moving his knees so they would touch mine before I shuffled closer to the isle.

I'd never been so happy to feel a bus pull to a halt in my life, as this was my stop. I started to rise when the man grabbed my arm, yanking me down so that my ear was next to his face.

"I wouldn't move if I were you." He whispered, his fowl, sour breath infecting my nose. I'm pretty sure my face would've crumpled with disgust if it weren't for the overwhelming terror that was spreading throughout my body like a wildfire.

I ripped my arm out of this grasp and forced my way through the people and off of the bus. I made it just before the doors closed and the bus moved on.

"Armin, what happened? We thought you'd got off at the wrong stop or something," said Eren, laughing.

"Uh, yeah, there were so many people it was difficult for me to get out of my seat, sorry." I lied. I didn't want to mention the creepy man because, honestly? Eren would've just laughed and poked fun at it, despite me being genuinely terrified.

"Anyway, lets get going, it's just around the corner I think."

We walked around the corner and the house wasn't hard to miss – it was  _huge_. 3 stories and at least 2 times wider than my house. It was perched on the top of a small hill and separated by at least 30 metres of space on each side, making it look even bigger. There were lights and music; I think I even saw a pool in the back garden.

By this point, Eren couldn't contain his excitement and started to run towards the house. Mikasa followed shortly after, shouting, "Eren, wait!"

I started running as well, convincing myself it would be a good way to use the adrenaline in my veins.

We arrived at the house and tried the door, it was already unlocked so we went in without knocking. The door opened to a huge room filling with couches and coffee tables, there were people (mostly seniors I'd never seen before) hanging about and talking with cups I assumed that were filled with alcohol, immersed in a dark pink glow, with additional beams of light from lamps around the room.

"Woah..." We all said in unison.

"Look, it's Levi!" Said Eren, after a few seconds, his eyes beginning to twinkle.

Levi was sat about 10 feet away on the arm of a couch, Petra talking excitedly at him as he looked blankly ahead, sipping from a red cup.

Eren practically dragged Mikasa and I over to him, "Levi!"

He looked up briefly at us. "Captain Levi..." he groaned, Petra giggling but trying to hide it.  _I don't think he's ever going to let this joke go..._ I thought, sighing heavily. "Ugh, I thought I didn't have to deal with this brat again." I looked over to Eren who didn't even seem to notice the comment that Levi just made.

"I'm sorry, Captain. How are you? What's college like? I can't believe we won't get to see you again until next year..."

"I was fine until you started talking to me."

Eren skips over his indifference again. "Hey, Captain Levi, do you think we could—"

I stopped listening, as Mikasa tugged at my sleeve mouthing the words, "Ugh, let's just go".

Mikasa and I left through the closest open door, not wanting to be near Eren and his fan-boying anymore...

I turned out the door we walked through lead straight to the centre of the house. The music and chatter was so thick in there I felt like I could swim through it.

"MIKASA! ARMIN!" called someone from to the side of us.

We both turned around to see Annie and Sasha walking over to us.

"HI GUYS, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE? OH YEAH, JEAN AND MARCO SHOULD BE ARRIVING IN A MINUTE DO YOU WANT TO MEET THEM AT THE BUS STOP WITH US?" shouted Sasha over all the noise.

Mikasa and I exchanged looks, before shouting in unison, "SURE."

We all walked out of the house quickly. I didn't have any complaints as being in there made me feel tight chested and claustrophobic.

"Phew, that's a blessing..." Sighed Sasha as we got out into the open air. "Jean's just text me, the bus is about a stop away."

"Why do you need to meet them anyway? Can't they get here on their own? The house isn't hard to miss..." said Mikasa.

"I don't know... Marco said something about this area being pretty dodgy but who knows! Maybe they're just pussies."

Mikasa giggled.

Sasha and Mikasa were now slightly ahead of us, so I was left with Annie.

"S-so..." I said. "How long have you been at the party?"

Annie shrugged. "I don't know about half an hour?" she paused. "What about you?"

"Only a few minutes. We've literally only just arrived."

"Oh... Where's Eren?"

"He was busy flirting with Levi so we left him to it."

Annie giggled a little. I think that was the first time I'd ever seen her giggle. It was cute.

"I have to say, I'm not really sure what the deal is with parties? Like what do you do? Dress up nice to get drunk? Make out with people in spare bedrooms?"

"Yeah, pretty much." She smiled.

"Is that why you're dressed up nice?"

"You..." she paused, looking across the road away from me, and playing with a piece of her hair. "You think I look nice?"

"Yeah, you look cute. You should wear your hair down more often." I said, smiling. I wasn't trying to flirt or anything, I was just being honest; she looked pretty. I tried to look at her face but she wasn't looking at me. I wondered if she was mad at me, but if that were so, why were her cheeks pink? I wasn't sure.

There was a pause between the two of us. I don't think either of us really knew what to say next. We were now about half way to the bus stop when Annie said, "Have you ever had... a girlfriend?" Well I say 'said', more like whispered. In fact she was so quiet I had to lean in to hear what she was saying.

"Huh?" I asked. At first I wasn't sure what she said, but I realised almost immediately after the syllable left my lips. "Oh, uh, n-no I haven't... Why do you ask?"

"I..." She paused. "I think I—"

"Yo, guys, which donuts are better; the ones from Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme?" Called Sasha from up ahead, looking back at us over her shoulder.

"Uh, I like Krispy Kreme." I said, taking both kinds into consideration.

"Thank you!" said Mikasa, throwing her arms up in the air.

"What?! No way, what about you, Annie?"

Annie shrugged. "I don't really mind. Why?"

"Mikasa and I were having a very heated debate just now..."

Mikasa laughed. "It appears I am victorious! Hahahaha, Krispy Kreme wins!"

I laughed. "Oh, yeah, what were you saying, Annie?" I asked, looking back down at Annie who still wasn't looking at me.

"Um! Nothing. Nevermind." She said. She then walked away quickly in front of me and up to Sasha.

I sighed, thinking that I must have upset her somehow. I shoved my hands in my pockets, looking at the three girls ahead of me, who were all laughing now.

And, suddenly, I had a thought; I thought that all the girls I knew were beautiful, but I had never had romantic feelings for them or  _anyone_ of the opposite sex. To be honest, thinking about kissing girls made me especially uncomfortable, and made most of my muscles tense with anxiety. What was wrong with me? Almost everyone I knew had had a crush or even a relationship but now, so why hadn't I? Take Eren for example; he used to constantly update me with who he now had a crush on (the list is definitely too long to think about), however I'd never felt anything towards a girl... Maybe I was just a 'late bloomer'.

We could see the bus stop now, glowing against the late dusk sky. Jean and Marco were standing in the fluorescent white light of the bus stop, they were chatting, but when Marco saw us they both turned and started to walk towards us.

Once they joined us it was a mundane walk back to the party, the last beams of sunlight leaving the sky and exposing the stars as we walked. Jean tried to talk to me, just friendly chit-chat, but my mind was still stuck on my previous thoughts, so I was a little unresponsive. The whole thought process had brought down my energy and enthusiasm, leaving me slightly regretting coming out tonight.

We arrived back to the party about 10 minutes later. We reunited with Eren and got some drinks, I chose a weird sort of fruit punch that tasted sweet and bitter at the same time. After that we bumped in to Christa and Ymir in a room upstairs, where we joined them to sit and drink and talk.

...

After about 4 hours, our little group had increased by a considerable amount; we had Reiner, Connie and Bertholt with us, along with some other people that I didn't really know. Oh, yes, and we were all very,  _very_  drunk.

All of us were laughing uncontrollably; I don't think any of us could really remember why.

"Ugh, I'm so tired, we should probably get going soon." Said Eren, to no one in particular.

"Oh, yeah, hold on a sec, Eren." I slurred, swaying to my feet and stepping over the people sat on the floor. " I've—" I hiccupped. "—got to go to the toilet."

I stumbled out of the door and made my way down the corridor, edging along the wall, when it suddenly hit me; I wasn't actually sure where the bathroom was. It also didn't help that the seemingly endless corridors kept twisting and changing in front of me. I think that fruit punch had more alcohol in it than I anticipated.

I finally found a bathroom as I saw someone walk out of one. As soon as they were out of the way, I dashed in and started violently throwing up whatever content was inside my stomach. I sat on the floor with my head in the toilet bowl for a few minutes waiting for anything else to come up, but it didn't. When I lifted my head I felt better, yet somehow also worse; like the foggy haze clouding my judgement was gone, but it had been replaced by a pounding pain that felt like my brain was being shaken around inside my head. Oh well, I was going home now anyway.

I dragged myself out of the bathroom, rubbing my stomach and looking up and down the corridor. Which way had I come from again? That house was like a maze, not to mention the state I was in. I didn't even know which floor I was on. So, I just start walking around. I was sure I'd find them eventually. I walked into many plenty of rooms that had people making out on the beds, some of which with people who were even going a little bit further than making out (that was awkward to see), until finally I reached a room where I was almost certain was the right one... Maybe?... I twisted the doorknob and walked in saying, "Sorry, Eren, we can go now." Then I looked up.

Shit.

This was definitely not the right room. None of my friends were in here. Definitely not my friends. It was my bullies. The same people who had tormented me for years were all in that one room. I thought I was free. Free of their grasp when they all left to go to college. I thought I would never see them again. But there they were. Staring at me like I was some kind of snack.

Some of them started to smile drunken smiles upon recognising who I was.

"Oh, it's you again."

"Our favourite punchbag has returned. How nice."

One or two of them stood up and started to walk towards me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run away. I wanted to shout for help, but my body wouldn't move. I was frozen, and they were not. They were towering over me, sly grins and evil eyes burning themselves into my memory.

"P-please..." I managed to whimper out, but I think that only fuelled their apparent hatred for me. The largest guy stood in front of me, then picked me up. I think my brain had finally processed what was happening as I started screaming, which was abruptly halted by him throwing me to the ground and knocking all of the air out of my lungs. I lay on the floor, coughing and spluttering as all of the people in the room started to gather in a circle around me.

"Aw, I've missed this guy!"

"Yeah, how have you been, Armin?"

"I see your arm finally healed, want me to break the other one for you?" They taunted me.

I hate this. I hate them. Why are they hurting me? I did nothing wrong... Are they really just that sadistic?

I was then thrown from my own thoughts as I felt someone kick me square in the stomach, causing another load of stomach acid to come out of my mouth, burning my throat and nose and making my eyes prick with tears. Then someone else started to kick my back, then my head, then everywhere. I gripped my head in my hands, trying to protect myself from what felt like a million shoes bruising and scratching my body. I sobbed into the floor, my tears mixing with the vomit that had stained the carpet. They all laughed at me as I cried violently in both pain and fear until I finally passed out.

...

I woke up and they were all gone. I think they got bored and left after I stopped reacting, but not before stamping on my phone and smashing a beer bottle over my head - I could tell by the tiny shards of glass strewn throughout my hair. As soon as my vision stopped blurring, I stood up and sprinted out of the room and down the nearest set of stairs, leaving my broken phone on the floor behind me. The stairs lead to the large open area with pink lights and all the couches. I looked over at the clock on the wall on the far side of the room. 01:37, it read.

I'd been missing from the group for about 45 minutes, or maybe more... Only 45 minutes...

I started to feel dizzy, so I leant against the wall at the bottom of the stairs, raising one of my hands to my head. I looked up briefly and saw Annie and Reiner on one of the couches talking, and I thought of Eren and Mikasa. Had they left? Were they worried about me? Before I knew what I was doing, I was walking over to Annie and Reiner, who hadn't yet seen me.

"Guys, have you seen Eren or Mikasa anywhere?" I asked hurriedly, as part of my mind was paranoid that one of the guys would walk in and find me here and hurt me again.

Both Annie and Reiner looked at me at the same time, and instantly I saw their facial expressions change.

"Armin, your..." started Annie, shock in her eyes. "your face... You're bleeding."

"What?" I asked, bringing a hand to my cheek, I looked down at it in confusion as it came away dappled with blood.

"What happened?" Asked Reiner.

"Are you okay?" Said Annie.

"... I'm fine. Can you please tell me where Eren and Mikasa are?" I asked, ignoring the blood and simply wanting to leave as soon as possible. Why couldn't I feel anything? Was it shock? Adrenaline? I couldn't tell. But now that I had touched my cheek it had started to sting unbearably.

"They left about 10 minutes ago... they waited for you for a little while but decided to just go home." Said Reiner, not taking his eyes off my cheek.

"Okay. Thank you." I said quietly, realising that I was now all on my own. I turned and walked straight towards the front door without a goodbye to them. I heard Annie calling after me but I couldn't bring myself to turn around. I had to get out. I had to.

Once I got outside I paused for a moment, thinking about what I could do. I couldn't call them; my phone was back in that house, and broken, and there was no way I was going back. I had no idea what time the last bus left for our part of town. Maybe they were waiting. Or maybe they had already left. Either way, my best option would be to hurry and see if I could catch them.

Then I heard the front door open behind me, and my whole body panicked, thinking it was those guys, so I started to sprint away from the house. I didn't even look behind me to check who it was. I ran all the way to the bus stop without looking behind me once.

Once I got to the bus stop, panting heavily, no one was there. They weren't waiting. In fear that I had missed them, I checked the bus time table. I collapsed to the ground as I read that the last bus to our district left at 11. We had all missed it. I sat on the ground, staring at the glass shelter, dumbfounded. My eyes slowly drifted down to my own reflection.

There was a large patch of skin missing from my right cheek that was obviously bleeding, some parts were almost dribbling down my chin, there was so much blood coming out. Not to mention several deep cuts on my forehead, and bruises forming all over my cheeks and the top of my chest where my shirt hung low. Part of the fabric was ripped on my shirt as well. My favourite shirt. I don't know what the hell they did to me, but something made me feel like I should feel lucky to be alive. It probably wasn't just alcohol in their systems.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, staring at my own reflection, processing everything that had just happened so quickly, but eventually I realised that I needed to get moving and go home. Even if I was hurt and alone, it's not like I could call anyone for help.

I think the adrenaline was starting to wear off by that point, leaving my head pounding, my stomach turning itself inside out, and every cut on my body screaming in pain. I had to stop several times on the side of the road to wretch, but nothing ever came up.

I hated this. I hated feeling so alone and helpless. I hated that I needed to walk nearly 2 miles at 2 in the morning. I hated that my friends had left me there. I hate that I was getting so cold now. I hated it. I hated it. I hated it.

But I was only now starting to cry, shaking violently as I walked along the side of the road that opened out on to a huge, dark field on the opposite side to me. On the side I was on were a few closed shops, shutters down, lights off. There were no houses. Just a few silent alleyways in between the shops. Perhaps it was a local high street of some kind. I wondered how far Mikasa and Eren were ahead of me. I wondered if they would come back for me. I felt a new wave of tears for a moment and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

That's when I felt the hands cover my mouth and a low voice say, "I told you not to move, remember?"

An ice cold fear soaked through me, like liquid nitrogen under my skin. Time went in slow motion as my mind raced. Who the fuck is that? I don't know. What did they mean by that? 'I told you not to move...' who the hell said tha-

I remembered. It all rushed back to me like a flash flood. The bus. Sat on my own. Creepy man. Terrified. He grabbed me and said...

_"I wouldn't move if I were you."_

No. No, no, no. This can't be happening. There's no way this can be happening. I let out a muffled squeal as the shock hit me.

"Oh, you remember now? Naughty," he breathed down my neck, making my skin crawl as the clammy mist clung to me. "Disobeying orders deserves a punishment."

My eyes were starting to drown in tears. My heart pumping as fast as it could, spreading the worst, most crushing feeling I have ever felt in my life around my bloodstream and into every inch of my being. It was like the ground was trying to suck me up until I disappeared, completely submerged in a horrible, drunken nightmare. I started to struggle, but his grip was too tight over my mouth, pinning my head into his chest. He noticed this and moved one of his hands down to his jacket, then back up to my throat. I was expecting the unnerving warmth of hands that weren't meant to be there. Instead, my skin was greeted with the cold, steel blade of a knife. It wasn't pressing into my throat hard enough to cut me deeply, but it was sharp. As soon as it made contact with me, I felt it make a small incision in my neck, letting me know that this guy wasn't playing games. He was the real deal. If I tried anything, he wouldn't hesitate to kill me.

I was so scared I couldn't breathe. This wasn't happening. I was still passed out and this was just some weird, alcohol induced dream, right?

No. This was real. I knew as soon as I felt a small trickle of blood from the cut on my neck begin to trail down my chest.

He chuckled and started to back me into the darkened alleyway, the knife digging in slightly with every step we took. There was a moment, suddenly, when he stumbled. I saw my chance; I pushed his hand away from my throat and wiggled out of his grasp. I shoved him as hard as I could, making him stumble backwards into the wall. I started to run towards the end of the alley, towards the street where maybe I could get some help or just get away from him.

"No you fucking don't, you little shit!" I heard him growl. I'd barely even taken a step when he grabbed the back of my shirt and threw me onto the ground violently. Once again, I felt the air in my lungs leave me, so I rolled onto my right side to try and re-catch my breath. That's when I felt him press his foot onto my skull, grinding my sore cheek into the dirty concrete. I gasped in pain as I felt every single shard of stone force its way into my broke skin.

"Stop!" I whimpered, unable to shout or scream at him in pain and terror. I heard him exhale in a giggling manner. He then removed his foot from my head. I tried to stand up and run again but my body seemed sluggish, all too tense to start running or moving with any kind of purpose. Like a computer buffering. He pulled me up by my waist and slammed my aching body into a large metal bin on my left, stomach first. He pressed his entire body into mine from behind to keep me there as he reached up and yanked my hair back harshly, elongating my neck and turning my head, forcing me to look at him. He placed a wet, sloppy kiss on my lips, his breath infecting my mouth with it's foul scent and my open eyes being forced to look at his face in grotesque detail.

"I want to see you..." He said in a disgusting, wet voice, pulling away and looking at me with a horrible expression that I couldn't discern. "I want to see your eyes while I do this." His sinister grin alone caused my heart to pump 10 times as fast, let alone the horrendous words that were leaving his mouth. Was I going to die? Right here, right now? This wasn't right, I can't die here. My friends, my family would never know... Please... Someone,  _anyone_ , help me.

Honestly at this point I thought he was just going to kill me, and in some ways, looking back, I wish he had. But in that moment, I really wasn't expecting to feel my jeans start to slip off my legs.

No.

No!

This wasn't happening. No, no, anything but this.

I winced as I realised what was about to happen, trying with one last effort to fight him off me, but his body was so strong pinning me against the dumpster like a rag doll, and his grip was too tight on my hair, forcing me to look into his soulless eyes. He grinned a wide, toothy grin, his face merely inches from mine, his breath attempting to stain every last piece of my sanity. I felt one of his hands trail down and unzip his trousers. I knew it was already too late.

♦︎

[Eren's POV]

"And then she started bitching about how 'Dunkin Donuts must be better because they literally have donuts in their name', like, sorry but you're wrong." Mikasa laughed to me.

"Yeah. Is it weird that I don't actually like brand donuts? Like, I just like the cheap ones you can get at the convenience store?" I replied, slightly losing my balacne and stumbling into the road, falling on my ass.

She cackled at me, bending over and clutching her stomach. She extended a hand to me saying, "Eren, I think you've drunk too much."

I took her hand and pulled myself to my feet.

"Thank youuuu~" I cooed, patting her head and smiling so wide that my eyes closed.

She smiled back at me and shoved her hands in her pockets.

"I swear we've forgotten something..." I sighed, my head was so foggy. It wouldn't function right. It's like I knew something was wrong but I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

"I know..."

We both paused for a moment, coming to a halt to try and think about things properly, before surprising ourselves as we said in unison, "Armin!"

"I can't believe we forgot Armin! Why didn't he come wi-" I remembered how he left to go to the bathroom and didn't come back. My mind immediately went to a dark place, imagining him passed out on the bathroom floor, choking on vomit. "We have to got back and get him." I said, stopping and turning on my heels which made me feel dizzy.

"No~ Erennn, I don't want to." Mikasa whined, grabbing my arm with both hands and tugging on it. "He's fine!"

"Mikasa, why didn't he come back? What if something happened to him?"

She tried to pull me back in the direction we were walking but I managed to pull my arm away from her. "We're, like, half way home. Armin's a sensible guy, I'm sure he's fine."

"But, I'm-" I burped, "-worried about him."

"Ugh," She groaned, pouting at me. "This is what I hate about when you drink. You always get so paranoid."

"Are you coming or not?" I said, starting to walk, not really caring if she joined.

"Fine, whatever."

We both headed back in the direction that we came from, smiling. It was about a mile so it might take a while to get there, but maybe we could stay at the house for the night instead of walking home? Anyway, like Mikasa said, he was probably fine. Probably playing beer pong with Reiner or something.

♦︎

[Armin's POV]

How was this still continuing? I'd been there for what felt like hours. I was no longer on the dumpster, but on the floor, not like it made a difference, I wouldn't be able to feel the bottom half of my body either way. At some point, I stopped struggling, I stopped shaking, and I stopped trying to get help. He had cut my body in several places, none of which hurt. Nothing hurt. Not my cheek, nor my neck, nor my bruises, nothing. I was just numb. I had stopped trying.

Somewhere towards the street I thought I heard a noise. It sounded like... talking? I strained my ears to try and hear over the heavy pants and grunts from behind me as the man abused my body. The voices got louder until I was certain I could hear talking and footsteps.

"H-" I gasped, my voice hoarse from all the crying and whimpering. I wasn't sure if I could make enough noise for whoever it was to hear me, and if they didn't and the man heard me, I had no doubt that he would kill me after he was finished. Regardless, I had to try.

"Help." I whined, barely a whisper had left my mouth but the back forced my head into the ground from behind anyway.

"Shut up." He snapped, but only loud enough for me to hear. I winced at the sharpness of his voice but I had to persist.

"Help me!" I rasped, louder this time. The sound bounced off of the dark walls within the alleyways, dissipating softly after a few moments. I waited for a response, it felt like forever. Finally, two black silhouettes emerged, walking perpendicular to the alleyway, but I was so far away they almost seemed like merely dots on the horizon. Regardless, I let some hope come back into my soul. I was safe.

But wait... They... They hadn't stopped. The two figures continued to walk away; they hadn't heard me.

Panic washed over me as my fears now seemed inevitable. "Help!" I called, my voice returning to something one could consider a yelp. To my relief I saw the figures stop and slowly turn their heads in my direction.

"Ar?" I heard one of the people call back.

"No..." I heard the other say. I smiled and looked down into the ground, tears pooling at the edges of my eyes. It was over.

Before I could call out to them again, I felt the man pull out of me with a sickening squelch, "Shit!" he exclaimed as I heard him fumble with the zip of his pants.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!" One of the figures screamed, causing me to looking up from the melancholic concrete to see my saviours. One of them was sprinting in my direction. As they came closer, they screamed again, but this time it was just one solid sound. _The voice was so familiar_ , I thought, as I began to make out their face.

Oh. It's Eren.

I heard a loud clattering sound as the man, I assume, vaulted the wooden fence at the back of the alley. The other figure made their way over to me as Eren ran past, their long black hair and blank expression greeted me as they slumped lifelessly to the floor in front of me. Sitting on her legs, she lifted a hand to one of her gorgeous black eyes, her eyelids sparkling with the light pink eye shadow I had helped her pick out earlier that evening. She stared at me with a terrible expression.

"Eren..." She whispered, as the hurried footsteps stopped behind me and the wood started to rattle yet again. "Eren!" She shouted with the same blank look on her face.

"Fuck!" Eren hissed in frustration, I heard the quick footsteps of a dash behind me before I felt the hands cup my shoulders and pull me into a sitting position. My legs were useless, limply sliding along the floor as my body moved. My head hung low as I lacked the energy to move it, but I could still see their faces. My friends faces. I saw Eren look down at my naked legs and abused body.

"Fucking Christ." He whispered, his voice quivering like his hands.

"Ar..." Mikasa started, staring into me eyes. She was crying now. "Armin, can you tell us... what happened?"

"Who the fuck was that guy?"

"Why are you out here?"

Their queries rattled around inside my head, the meanings behind their words not really sinking in fully, while their eyes burned their way into my memory. What should I have said? I wasn't sure how I felt, hell, I wasn't even fully sure what happened at that moment. There were so many emotions bubbling inside me that I felt like I was about to explode. Yet, my body remained motionless. I looked down at myself, bruised skin and blood from various parts of my body on various pieces of concrete. My legs were getting cold without my jeans on. There were no tears in my eyes, but I felt I needed to cry. And the only thing that I could say was;

"I'd like to go home, please."

—...

That was it. I don't really remember what happened after that. I know we went to the police station. I know the police called my parents and just told them where I was found, because I couldn't tell them what happened to me. I know I had to go through tests and questioning and all sorts, but throughout all of it I don't think I said a word. I know, when I returned home, my parents treated me like a pervy little kid who actually enjoyed getting raped in an alleyway. But I don't actually remember it happening. All I remember was staying in my room for weeks, unable to do anything but stare at a blank wall and pray that I could go back in time and stop it all from happening. Then maybe I wouldn't have to keep reliving it over and over in my head every time I closed my eyes.

We all changed after that.

Mikasa became like a mother to Eren and I. She never made fun of us. She never playfully punched us. She just became silent. Stoic and cold. With sweet smiles and empty laughs that meant nothing at all. She just shrunk into herself.

My anxiety shy-rocketed. For weeks I couldn't even look outside. I couldn't leave my bedroom. I couldn't look after myself. But the one solid point for me was Eren. He made a point to see me every day. Bringing me school work and staying up to talk to me on the phone at night when I had nightmares. 

Eren changed the most out of all of us. His fun, lively, childlike attitude disappeared completely. In fact, I think it vanished the moment he saw that man and what he was doing to me. He shrank in on himself more than Mikasa, more than me. It was like he became a completely different person. Slower to have fun and quicker to get angry. Everyone was still friends with him, or at least they claimed to be. But who can be sure when he never really spoke to anyone? He was always worried... He was always worried about me; where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. He walked me to and from school everyday, despite it being out of his way.

We've all changed so much. So much so, that now it feels like even the very basis of our personalities have changed for good. Everything from the way we talked to the way we dressed.

Come to think of it, I don't think any of us ever wore those clothes again.


End file.
